“To all Mothers in every circumstance, including those who struggle, I say, “Be peaceful. Believe in yourself and God. You are doing better than you think you are.”— Jeffrey R. Holland
Welcome to my March blog. March = Mothers Day for us Floral Artists! So obviously, this month’s blog is based around being a mother. What a crazy time to be writing this blog, it feels so strange to be doing something so simple that, last time I wrote, I had no idea I would find myself, or the world in such a crazy time. It just shows how quickly your whole life can change, and how insignificant we all are in the larger scale of the world. I first want to start by saying how wholeheartedly grateful I am to everyone still working to keep the country moving. I genuinely hope each and every one of you gets the blessings and dreams you wish brought to you by this insanely complex universe, whatever they may be. I personally feel so lucky right now. I am safe, in my own home with my own perfect family, that we all too often take for granted. We will never get to spend such precious time together like this again. I personally am cherishing every second. The present moment has never felt so much like a present from above for me. Anyway, enough of that, I suppose a lot of us are done in by the situation adn sick of hearing or reading everyone’s opinions. Hopefully, when all is done, we may remember to check ourselves every now and then, lose our egos and appreciate this blessed experience we call life. Look a little closer at the beauty of our surroundings; the intelligence of nature, the strength of the sea and the simplicity and innocence of animals, the difference in people.
Right – being a Mother!! Well first of all, again, I feel privileged to be able to write about this experience. My heart genuinely hurts for those who haven’t been given the chance for whatever reason. I can empathise as I was told I would never have children after fighting leukemia. Although every day, life takes over and we just get on with things, it is something that always weighs heavy on your heart. All I can say is never lose hope. I don’t disregard medical experts, but what I can say is that your mind is your most powerful tool in your life path. Harper was obviously a total surprise, I actually went to the walk in centre and demanded my IBS tablets as my stomach had been bloated for weeks and was really starting to annoy me. The nurse must have thought I was absolutely bonkers! She took one look at my tummy and knew instantly. She asked if I could do a pregnancy test, to which I got a bit arsey because I knew I couldn’t have children. But, each time a test is done, there is still a glimmer of hope, only to be devastated by a negative result. Basically I didn’t want to go through the emotions and just wanted to get rid of my bloated tummy! I went and did the sample, we all had a little chat, and she asked if i wanted the news? I said “yes,” thinking, I already know the answer- just give me the tablets! She said “You’re pregnant, and it looks to me as though you’re about 15 to 16 weeks!” I burst into tears and helplessly asked her what I was going to do about my Floristry at University, she just looked at me like I was mad! Looking back, if I was in her shoes, I would have done the same! We flew to Bulgaria the next day, and didn’t mention it once, for a full week! We just pretended it wasn’t happening.
Once the news had sunk in, I felt so blessed, but I was scared to death. I had severe scarring on my liver due to the Chemotherapy, which caused the blood in my veins in my oesophagus become stuck and get backed up, this then meant my veins increased in size with the potential to burst- in which case, I would be bleeding internally with a survival rate which was slim to none. (The veins did eventually burst when Harper was 9 months old, but that is a whole new blog!)
Because of these complications, I had to have operations whilst I was pregnant every month from being 5 months. I was sedated and had the veins in my esophagus “banded” where they literally tie elastic bands around the veins to stop them bursting. I hated it- with an absolute passion. I was difficult to sedate, I would pull out the instruments and kick off without being aware, which sometimes resulted in the procedure being unsuccessful. However, when I had Harper inside me, I really had to talk to myself to calm down, tell myself I had to stay calm for my baby, she would sense the upset and it wouldn’t be good for her. I got through them, all of them. A mother is capable of anything for her unborn baby.
I was scheduled for a cesarean at 35 weeks to prevent any complications with my veins bursting. I was given a bag of platelets prior to the operation, a result of my scarred liver is suppressed platelets, this is the part of your blood which stops you from bleeding and forms clots, therefore, about to be sliced open, I needed platelets to stop me bleeding to death! Ooo it’s all so pleasant! Haha!
Anyway, 11:05am I was put to sleep, 11:35am I woke up with the most precious, beautiful new born baby I had ever seen. She was perfection. She still is.
I asked if she had 5 fingers and 5 toes, she was absolutely fine, strong and perfectly healthy. She’s 7 now, Harper Lille. She is a total nature lover like her mummy, she is kind, empathetic, caring, strong, clever, funny, loyal and sensitive towards her friends. She is my best friend. I learn from her everyday. I don’t really want to write about how to be a mother or what it means. Who am i to define that. All I know is that we all doing our own best, all the time, and that is all that is important. So, to all the mums, should be mums, stepmums, not mums yet and those without mums, you inspire someone every day.
Thank you for reading,
be kind always, be safe and be present XOXO